i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
