i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
