Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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