Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
