Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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