He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
