apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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