i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
