I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
