I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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