i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
