If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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