what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
