girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
