It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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