This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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