Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
