Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
