Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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