Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
