Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
