Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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