I wish my penis had an off switch
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
