I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
