I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
