I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
