What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
