Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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