sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
