I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
