When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize