Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
