i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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