3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
