When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
