I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I looked at my own cervix.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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