I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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