mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
