How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
