the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude i'm inner monologue high
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
