If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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