Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
