K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
