Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
