Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
