she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
