I have demons in me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
