my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
