I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
