i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
