Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
