Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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