I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
