Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
