Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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