I puked a lego.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
