Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
