just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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