I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
