I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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