dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
