forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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