He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
