how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Randomize
